Stress for leaders (well, for everyone) is rising to a fevered pitch. The results can be catastrophic and even fatal. Unfortunately, I have known several leaders who have physically broken under job stress, and many more who have experienced emotional, spiritual, and relational crisis as a result of overwhelming demands. I’ve not been immune from the negative pressures, either.
A typical response in our pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps culture is to implore our leaders to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Our organizations practically scream it at us, and even those who know and love us most implore us to do likewise.
Of course there is truth in the encouragement. We are personally responsible for things like what we eat, exercise routines, patterns of rest and renewal, our spiritual practices, how our minds focus, what we give to our relationships, tending boundaries, and prioritizing stressors. There are significant and important commitments we must make to contribute to our own well-being.
The problem is, however, that well-being does not exist in isolation. Most of us cannot control the demands of our job. We can’t set aside the baby just because it’s time for our rest. We don’t get to create an extra two hours in the day because we keep running out of time for our workout. There is much that is expected and required of us that we frankly can’t control.
What we really need for well-being is a commitment to cultures of care and accountability that incorporate self-care but that equally strive for mutual care. In today’s world especially, we can’t go it alone; we need each other.
We’re well versed in the “shoulds” of self-care. Here are some ideas for mutual care:
Manage the load together: It is the responsibility of a good manager to work with their team members to develop reasonable output goals. When that load is reached, in order to add something new something else should be removed. The task dump happens all the time to pastors. “Here’s one more thing we need done, and we expect you to do it.” OK, but what is being taken away to ensure reasonable expectations? A process for determining what’s possible should involve figuring it out together.
Ask what the leader needs (then work to accommodate it): This act of mutual care is pretty self-explanatory. However, it requires trust on the leader’s part to be honest about what they need. If the leader cannot trust the person or entity asking the question, then they’re likely to withhold important information. Once the need is articulated, the organization would do well to address that need to the fullest extent possible.
Make sure that time off is time off: We often “joke” about the work that’s required to get ready for vacation, and the stacks of work waiting when we return. For pastors this often entails preparing worship services for the Sundays they’ll be away, lining up their own replacements, and managing all the logistics. All this does is displace the work and double it up ahead of the pastor’s time away. The church, in an act of mutual care, would do better to engage someone else to plan and conduct those services in their entirety. The bottom line is that a church or organization should have systems in place that don’t rely on the pastor/leader to complete the necessary work for and address emerging needs during their time off. This would include weekly days off.
Build support networks: From the leader’s perspective, pay attention to your support networks. Isolation is a real and present cause of many leaders’ collapse. Networks look different for each person, but think in terms of family, colleagues, friends, and professionals. Family may be your life partner, parents, or other relatives. Colleagues may be within your own company or community, but often are more translocal. Friends may include some colleagues, but there is great value in having simpáticos outside of your work connections. Professionals should include one or more counselor, therapist, spiritual director, coach, or leadership companion.
Replace “me” with “we”: Shifting our language, and our perception, to the plural rather than singular perspective is important. Instead of saying “you take care,” learn to ask “how can we better care for you?” Instead of assuming that the individual is simply not self-regulating, consider the circumstances that may be imposing on their well-being. Rather than starting with how the person is not effectively dealing with the demands they’re facing, consider how the system, expectations, and context may be infringing on their wellness.
Acts of kindness: Everyone needs encouragement. There are obvious times when encouragement is called for, but sometimes the most encouraging actions are the unexpected ones. Notes of thanks. Texts to cheer someone on. An unexpected hour or two off. A meal delivered. Gift cards. Child care. A car wash. A quick phone call. Parties. Relief from an assignment. Let your creativity flow. Pay attention to the individual, their likes and energizers, and surprise them on occasion.
These are a few ideas for mutual care. What practices have you utilized to nurture environments of mutual care? Please add them in the comments.
While self-care is important, our lives really are much too connected to expect individuals to go it all alone. We function in systems; those systems need to be caring in concrete ways. When mutual care is present, not only will we each be healthier, but our organization, church, or business will also be the better for it.